Guidance please

The other day I asked God for guidance. What do I get? Another invite and him live on my screen.

Just when I talk myself into thinking I’m crazy for letting my imagination get the better of me, I end up talking to him. Yeah, the other night while I was out and about, I told myself that I was losing it and that I cannot be serious. I think about this guy way too much. And the thoughts I have are just..out there. Should I even be thinking them because I’m here and he’s WAY over there? But then I see him online today. I actually started the conversation. See, I said I would. So we talked for a bit. Then he asked me if I had Skype. Yep, sure do! But when he rang me, my laptop froze up. Oh well, so back to our normal chat we went. And that’s when he asked, for the 3rd time, when I was coming to visit him. When he first mentioned it, he said he’d like to have me out for an event. Next time, he asked about me visiting his city. But this time, he asked about visiting him. Him! That’s when my Skype decided to work, and we began talking there. But we didn’t get into the visit again.

So we talked about 15 minutes. He seemed disappointed that I didn’t have my camera hooked up. That worked out well for me because I certainly was not at my best. When I don’t go out, I do nothing to myself. I had my hair wrapped up in a scarf. Not cute at all. Not in the least bit. He, on the other hand, looked very handsome, as usual. He had the accent working for him too. Yeah, I didn’t mention that last time. So it was the shoulders, the swagger, and the accent. What’s not to like?

Now that we’ve progressed to Skype, I feel like I need to get the webcam situated. And I need to put some thought into my appearance even when I’m not leaving the house. This will also give me a chance to know him better. And I’m sure the question of visiting will come up again. I would so love to plan a long weekend, but I don’t have the means to. I was just looking at ticket prices and it’s not looking good. I’ll need to sell a kidney. Maybe we can work around it. Maybe…

So yeah, as far as guidance goes, I feel like I’m being pointed in his direction. The question is, Will I actually get there?

I’m Back!!

I almost forgot how to use this thing. It’s been how long? I don’t even know. A lot of time has passed. I couldn’t recap it all if I wanted because I’m sure I don’t remember. In any case, the crush I had on man whore is long gone. I’m not even sure if I blogged about the crush. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. It’s not important now. Moving on.

One interesting thing..the dude who can’t return calls or texts called me out of the blue some time before Valentine’s Day. For one, I had taken his number out of my phone. He didn’t sound familiar. And it took me a bit after he said his name. Oh yeah! Your dumb ass. Well, he wanted to “hang out.” At the time, my car was snowed into the driveway, so he offered to come get me. Uh huh. Yeah, I don’t think so. Not trying to be stuck at his house. After I told him I would come out, I waited about an hour and called him back to let him know I wasn’t in the mood. On Valentine’s Day, he actually sent me some cheesy forwarded text message with a rose and some hearts and Patty LaBelle singing “Somebody loves you baby.” Talk about being even more turned off. He had no chance after not responding to a text that he later acknowledged (after I forgot about him and the whole situation) that he actually got it but was just busy. Whatever dude. I don’t care.

Moving on. I went to Miami. That was the best thing I had done in ages. I had gone down for the Winter Music Conference. It was 5 days of straight partying. Of course, I was there for a bit longer than that. Anyway, while I was there, I met a friend of a friend who I found myself completely attracted to. It took a bit. Maybe a few hours. But after I got a good look at his shoulders and his swagger, I was absolutely smitten. That NEVER happens. I mean, never. He liked me too. He didn’t say it but it was in his actions.

Normally, I would be all systems go. But I heard he has a girlfriend. That’s not really the major part. I’m not the one to be messing with someone else’s BUT you have to keep in mind that if you’re not married, you’re single. Are you available? That’s the real question. A lot of times, the person isn’t available until they find themselves in contact with “the one.” An old classmate told me that her mom was engaged to someone else when she met her dad. Hey, sometimes it just goes down like that. It’s not all black and white. There’s a whole lotta grey. I’m not saying I’m the one for him. But maybe he wants to find out if I am. And I’m completely open to that.

Now on to the major part…he lives far. Like,  another time zone, another country far. We have been in touch a little bit through a social networking site. Our first interaction, he basically invited me out for a visit. I didn’t have a passport at the time. He asked that I work on it. I needed to get my passport together anyway. It was on my TO DO list before he mentioned anything. You just never know when you want/need to skip town. Okay, so I get the passport and post a picture. He makes a comment asking about a visit. Of course, I’d LOVE to. But at the same time, we haven’t talked enough for me to jump on a plane.

I don’t see him online often. But the times we have talked, he’s initiated it. But I think I’ll start it off next time I see him. I’ll get to know him more as a friend. I do consider him a friend now, but I don’t know much about him. We only spent a few days together, and we were with other people. And we were PARTYING. Now that’s not to be confused with drinking. Partying and drinking are two different things. Most of our interaction was somewhere near a dance floor. But I did manage to discover that we have quite a bit in common. He’d look pleasantly surprised. And during the times we talked online, I discovered some more commonalities. That NEVER happens.

Anyway, I’d start to think I’m crazy to daydream about someone so far away. Actually, I had a real dream about him too. It was really real.  Mind you, I don’t dream about people much. Heck, I didn’t even dream about my ex. So yeah, this is deep. In any case, I’d take my mind off of him for a bit. Out of sight, out of mind works sometimes. But then he’d make an appearance online (which is not often). And my mind starts going again. I was somewhat doing pretty well until yesterday’s appearance. We talked a bit too.

So as much as I think my ass is crazy for this, I can’t really help it either. I was hit. And I was hit HARD. I don’t even know what to do with this. Now you know how you have a list of your likes, dislikes, deal breakers and such? Well, in this case, it does not matter what’s on the list..good or bad. The list is for those you’re really not feeling like that. So you go through your checklist to see if you could make it work. But it never comes into play with someone who you’re feeling from the jump. There are no lists with this guy. NONE. What do you do with that?

You Again

Went to the local bar and grill last night to catch the game (World Series). Ran into the brotha who would rather text me than come talk to me, but then can’t return a text. I ended up sitting next to him at the bar. It’s funny because he didn’t recognize me.  I switched up from the usual hairdo. He complimented it too. In any case, he started up conversation like we were cool like that. I don’t hate him or anything. And I’m sure he’s a nice guy. But if you’re interested, step up to the plate. But don’t expect me to chase you. That’s not what I’m here for.

His friend left so I gave him a ride home. He lives nearby. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and gave me all kinds of excuses reasons why he hasn’t been around. Not like I would know when he’s around or not, but whatever. Then he suggested that I call him, which I won’t. Or that he could call me, which he won’t do either. But whatever.

V Dialogue

So I’m watching the V marathon on SyFy with my best friend. Here’s the conversation…

BFF: Why would you trust a snake?

Me:  I would trust a snake over a man.

BFF: Uh, you really need to get that together. Truly.

Me: **Cracking the hell up**

This tickles me. Can’t you tell?

I met a guy but…

It was all wrong. Well, he was a nice guy, but some things about him were deal breakers. We start dancing. His cologne smells good, but the hint of cigarette smoke on his breath does not. I wasn’t sure if it was him until he stepped out for a smoke break. He came back smelling like his cologne, freshly smoked cigarettes, AND weed. Yeah, don’t do the whole smoking thing, legal or illegal. Deal breaker.

Afterward, he wants to get something to eat. So we head to a diner and I’m driving. I find out that his license is suspended. Apparently, he’s had seizures before and his doctor suspended his license. Then something happened where he was caught driving with a suspended license. Yeah, that’s a deal breaker. Not the seizure thing, although I’m not too comfortable with that. But the license thing bugs me. Dealt with a guy with the same situation. And I really don’t want to be in the position to have to drive some dude around. I’m not a cab. And sometimes, I just wanna be the girl and let the man take the wheel. Damn, can a sista relax a bit? No because my man can’t drive, so I have to. Deal breaker.

He asked me numerous times if I had a man. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that a catch like me is single. It happens to the best of us. Anyway, he’s thinking that I may be spoken for and could be out cheating on my nonexistent man. He goes on to say that he found out his ex had cheated on him. How did he find out? His son told him. Strike three. Children. Been there, done that. Not going there again. Call me selfish or whatever you want, but I don’t want the drama. Honestly, I’ve been in one too many relationships where I was not in the top ten of his list of priorities. And frankly, I’m sick of it. I don’t wanna hear about how everything else going on in your life is more important than me. Again, a deal breaker.

At some point, his phone died. I took his number but he couldn’t take mine. I dropped him off at the bus stop and that was that. Of course, I haven’t called. Ain’t no point in starting something that I don’t want started. It’s highly possible that I may see him out again. I guess I have to find a nice way to tell him that he’s not for me. Hopefully, he’ll find that one who is not bothered by smoking, suspended licenses and children. I’m not that one.

Moving on! Who’s up next?

Yep, I’m a hater

One of my ex co-workers, now Facebook acquaintance, is getting married today. Yesterday, she updated her status to say something like, “Tomorrow I become Mrs. Such and Such.” I’m generally happy for people when they find love. Truly I am. I may not act like it though. My thing is, I don’t want to see it. But in theory, I’m happy that you’re happy. My issue is that I was at homegirl’s first wedding when we worked together. And now she’s getting married again. Again? That’s not fair. I guess love picks and chooses who it will bless. As far as I know, she’s been blessed twice. Yes, I’m bitter. Yes, I’m hatin’. But am I wrong for that?

Just because I was in a relationship doesn’t mean that I’ve experienced love. I loved him, yes. But it was more of me giving and he taking or just not appreciating or noticing or caring or whatever. But I didn’t get what I gave in return. And love is about more than just me loving. It’s also about being loved back. There is no relationship (not that I’ve had many) that I can think back to where I’ve experienced being loved. So yes, I’m bitter. At no time in the history of my life has someone’s actions said, “I love you and I choose you.” When you get married, that’s basically what’s being said. I love you and I choose you to share my life with. She’s had that twice. And she’s younger than me. Yep, I’m straight hatin’. But am I wrong for that?

My friend is always in my ear about love being overrated. She was actually loved by the one she was in love with. So she can have that opinion now that it’s a been there done that situation. Ain’t that nice. But I don’t care to hear from someone who has been there and done that. I want to experience it for myself. Because honestly, it would make more sense to be stuck on someone who actually loved me back. Why it took me so long to get over what’s his face is beyond me. Well, I sorta know. Women, like myself, spend so much time living some fantasy we created in our heads about the perfect relationship. All we need is a man to step into our lives, and that’s half the battle right there. The other half is the fantasy we create. Instead of paying attention to what’s actually going on, we’re living in our heads. So I should have known what was going on with home stretch before deciding to get emotionally invested. Instead of wasting my time, I could have been making myself available to someone willing to give in return. Ah, hindsight is 20/20.

Alright, so I’m going all off topic here. But the moral of the story is…I’m a hater. But I have a good reason to be.

Not even in my dreams

The dream I had this morning tickled me. Some of my dreams are like being in Quantum Leap. I’m plopped in the middle of a situation and I’m trying to figure out who I am. And in this dream, I am plopped into a household with a husband and kids (3 maybe). I didn’t feel like they were mine at all. It was like I had amnesia. Anyway, I’m all excited because I’m married, and I’m planning quality time with the hubby later. So we have a friend over and we’re chit chatting. And since I feel like I have amnesia or something, I try to get hubs to give me more info. I specifically mentioned not able to remember our wedding day and wanted him to give me the break down on how it went. He tells me that we’ve been together for however long and that I’m his common law wife. What? WHAT? So basically, we’re playing house. Oh no, we don’t play that here. In my mind I’m thinking, we’ve been together long enough for you to know if you want to marry me. And brotha man was way overdue. So at that point, I calmly get up, go into the bedroom, close the door, and start deciding what I’m packing because I’m leaving his ass. And since I felt in no way connected to the kids (I’m thinking they were his), I arranged to call them into a room one by one to explain that I was leaving. Just as the first meeting was about to go down, I woke up to pee.

I called my best friend this morning and told her about the dream. I could not stop laughing. I guess in my dreams and real life, I’m not down with giving years of my life to someone who is not committed to spending his life with me. Maybe I’m old fashioned but in my mind, that means marriage. That reminds me, stupid fool who can’t even commit to texting regularly made a comment once. “Say we’re dating for like 3yrs…” and just then, I cut him off. Three years? Brotha, you got like a year and some change tops. If you don’t know that I’m the one by then, I’m out. I’m not wasting my time on a soul. It may be harsh, but whatever. Life is too short. And you’re not gonna waste my time.

Flakey People

I’ve had my fair share of flakey people, mostly men. And in that case, you don’t waste your time thinking about him, and you promptly remove his number from your phone and keep it movin’. But what if the flakey person in question is a family member? Not just any old family member that you see at a family reunion once a year, but a sibling. What do you do in that case? They expect you to remember their birthday and participate in whatever they have going on in their lives (even if it is of no interest to you). They expect you to be on call when they need something. But they don’t even remember your birthday or anyone else’s for that matter. You know like our parents and such. Everything is about, “Me, me, me.” Are flakey people automatically selfish, and that’s why they’re so flakey? Or am I dealing with a flakey + selfish person? Whatever jacked up quality it is, what do you do when it’s a sibling? Sometimes I wish I lived on another coast or at least in a different time zone so I wouldn’t be bothered.

There is hope

So if Snout Nose Kardashian can get married after knowing some dude for about a month, then there’s hope for me yet. Of course, if I don’t meet someone soon, I’ll be crying in my martini.

Finally over him…I think

Sometimes I think about something, and it reminds me of my ex. And I’d get sad. You know, the feeling of rejection and all that sh!t that makes people feel like crap. Last week, I noticed that I thought about him without all the sadness and hate (well maybe hate’s a strong word, but think of something close to that). Two weeks ago, I would have slipped into the mindset I had when he broke up with me. But now, he’s just a memory. Not a good memory. Not a bad memory. Just a memory. It’s just weird. Like someone flicked a switch. I wish this would have happened sooner. Because I’m so ready for that Mr. Someone-who-is-worth-my-time to make an appearance. Brotha, I’ve been waiting on you for too long. Hurry up!